To: Omar Minaya, Fred Wilpon, Jeff Wilpon
From: This lifelong Mets fan
Re: Mrs. Benson
Gentlemen, I'd like to bring your attention to a rather annoying off-the-field spectacle that is spoiling the stellar reputation of the New York Mets franchise. OK, that's a bit sarcastic given the Cleon Jones episode, Seaver trade, Dave Kingman, the Gardenhire years, Straw, Doc, Coleman, The Bleach Saga, Isringhausen's "Jewboy" reference, Piazza equating Rush Limbaugh to George Washington and the Pope, etc. - but hey, I still buy the tickets fellas.
Anna Benson's particular, ah, talents may well have been unique in Pittsburgh, where husband Chris toiled for the second division Pirates, mixing a heavy fastball with promising breaking stuff. But like so many others who arrived on the Great White Way expected that next step in fame, young Anna has been severely disappointed - her, ah, work has garnered far less praise in Nueva York than her hurling hubby, who has been a decent, if unassuming, No. 4 type starter for the Mets. Remember when all the sportswriters drooled "wait till New York gets a look at Anna Benson?!" Well, we got a look. We yawned.
Kris Benson has now passed the up-and-coming stage of his career and he is what he is - moderately reliable, not a stud - which is to say, in Omar Minaya's eyes, tradebait for a pitcher with more upside or a second-baseman. His lovely spouse has not accepted that fact in her, ah, career as yet, hence the poison spewing from her well-polished lips as Omar tries to ship her and the big righty to Kansas City for a young soupbone out of the pen.
Having failed at the "young swinger/stripper wife looking for TV and video work" career path in New York - though she did manage to peddle an FHM spread - Mrs. Benson is now apparently aiming at a career as a younger, more amply-endowed, more willing to show it version of hate-spewing Anne Coulter. A few samples of her auditions (available at her, ah, personal Website), in this case attacking Michael Moore and apparently fishing for Bill O'Reilly's bookers:
I honestly have to tell you…I hate your fucking guts. Forget about how un-American you are, how politically retarded you are, or how fat you look while slobbering your political garbage all over everyone, mainly, I despise you for the fact that you make money off of influencing the young minds of America to be Bush-haters.
A fascinating diatribe, certainly worthy of Coulter-like status (possibly nude) and luckily there is more:
You are a pariah to our nation…a fat kid that got beat up by the jocks at school, and this has formulated your hatred of America. If I didn’t know any better, I would thing George W. himself went to school with you and kicked the shit out of your pie-hole everyday for being such a candy-ass. If you are so passionate about politics, use some of your blood-making money to make it a better place instead of making movies that only benefit your fat-ass fanny-pack. No one likes to see Hollywood try to engage our minds with their ridiculous and one-sided political rants during award ceremonies. Your “movies” are just a façade for your own political agenda, which, by the way, is fucking warped.
A brief pause, so you may catch your breath and wipe the tears or laughter from your eyes. Ready? Ok, here's another, ah, taste:
You are a selfish, pathetic excuse for an American, and you can take your big fat ass over to Iraq and get your pig head cut off and stuck on a pig pole. Then, you can have your equally as fat wife make a documentary about how loudly you squealed while terrorists were cutting through all the blubber and chins to get that 40 pound head off of you. I dare you to go to Iraq and diarrhea all over our soldiers; they would love to strip you naked in the streets and leave you so that the terrorists can pick you up and dispose of you the way terrorists do. If you believe that Iraq and Al-Queda were not together, go over there and see for yourself.
OK, that part wasn't so funny, it was hateful. [Though I am told by reliable sources that there is a market in the skin-and-hate-speech Website market for this - talk about the "hard right" - but I digress]. Here's her take on the Federal response to New Orleans, which may have you chuckling once again:
Thankfully, we are, in the least, lucky enough to have a humble President who admits that he was wrong in his decision making, and, as a result, is going full-force in his efforts to remedy the situation.
Yeah Anna, that's our President. I think your future career as a political analyst is assured. So Omar, Fred, Jeff some baseball advice - as you welcome the thoughtful slugger Carlos Delgado (who Anna, ah, slammed, even while threatening to sleep with the rest of the Mets) and fireballing closer Billy Wagner - please trade the Bensons. They never even made the B-list in this town.
I'm thinking Tampa (many, ah, clubs to increase the family revenue) or possibly Arlington, Texas - it's close to the ranch, so the Bensons can celebrate their shared American values with President and Mrs. Bush.
UPDATE: They traded the wife. The husband goes too.