Blonde on Bond

Three minutes into the interminable Casino Royale, and the kid leans over to me and asks: "Dad, has the movie started yet?" This has never happened before in the history of Bondage and I'll admit I was somewhat in doubt myself. Usually in the Broccolli family franchise, the customer is never uncertain as to whether the previews have ended and the main action begun. But this was different. The silver hues, the BBC-style video angles, the weird television music. Was this another commercial, a tie-in to the new James Bond flick, a spot for expensive watches?

And are you trying to tell me that's James Bond up on screen - a hulking blonde who looks like a back-up linebacker for the Chargers, and sounds like one of the extras in Tony Blair's cinematic cabinet in The Queen.

Speaking of The Queen, it was wonderful, driven by Helen Mirren's spot-on portrait, which gives a person known more as a tourist postcard than a human being some real, emotional depth. As the Bond dreck dragged, I was thinking of The Queen and about the Blair era - both these flicks are really Tony Blair vehicles.

One's a throwback to when Tony Blair actually mattered, and the other is a fantasy that pretends he still does.

In the Elizabeth-Diana spectacle, Michael Sheen portrays a bounding, tail-wagging, eager terrier of a Prime Minister - fully three-dimensional as the young, suburban emblem of a younger, suburban nation. Pre-9/11 Britain was proud of its boutique size and the speed with which it could adapt to the modern. It was like the cool, smart ad agency next to the plodding old-world behemoths. (I remember vividly the kangaroo steaks in a St. John's wood dungeon-bistro, followed by a wild ride to the museum of cinema, closed for a strange dot-com party in the late 90s).

Blair is, of course, not represented in Casino Royale, but Judi Dench serves well in the portrayal (by far the best in the film) of an England beholden to America, of an intelligence agency that is easily compromised, of a Cool Britannia that has gone all cold, and gray, and failed. Terrorism is the enemy in this Bond, but it's a terrorism driven by greed - white Europeans control the more dangerous, darker-skinned elements; indeed, there's a broad hint that 9/11 itself involved a plot to short airline stocks.

In another way, Casino Royale is the perfect analogy of the Tony Blair tenure - it's too bloody long by far. The movie drags on and on and on, with several false endings, an endless game of (ugh) poker, and two - yes, two! - evil guys with only one good eye. It also features long and luscious shots of the flesh of this blondie Bond Daniel Craig (who may be best remembered for his role as a Brit bounder in one of the excellent Sharpe dramas of a decade ago; in that episode, Sergeant Harper kills Craig's character off with alacrity - the deaths in Casino Royale take much longer). I remember when this treatment was reserved for the Bond girls, and in smaller doses.

Ironically, a much thinner and less-buff Craig played a tormented Jesuit priest in the 1998 bio-pic Elizabeth. No double-0 status then, but a real role.

Then too, this Bond epic is one long (long, very long, unending) commercial - product placement is everywhere. Sony, Ford (Ford?!), Ericsson, and Virgin are splattered about more than the bad guys' blood. Look! There's Sir Richard Branson setting off the alarms at the airport security check-point....clever.

The blonde Bond doesn't work; nor does the back to the future pre-007 concept. This is no legitimate successor to Connery - it barely stacks up the George Lazenby.

And if I thought Bond's blonde locks were sacrilege, imagine the disgust my kids felt watching the previews for the forthcoming Harry Potter epic. "Dad, Harry Potter has a buzzcut!" sputtered the little guy. Is nothing sacred?

UPDATE: Jason has a post on how Bond doesn't make sense in the post-Cold War world, how hw's just another action hero who could be portrayed by Vin Diesel - which reminds me of the best line in the movie, when Dench's M proclaims: "Christ, I miss the Cold War." Shades of Condi, I'd say. Here's Jason's review in a nutshell:

As exciting as the action set pieces are (and most of them are very good), they can't distract from the ludicrous spectacle of MI6 and the CIA fighting the global war on terror by sending not-so-undercover agents to play Texas Hold 'Em in Montenegro. (Next up, Bond goes head to head with Bin Laden in a high stakes match of Rock, Paper, Scissors in Cannes.) Despite the fact that most of the events of Casino Royale come straight from the novel, they lose all meaning when ripped from the context of time and place. The grim, vaguely S&M gay torture sequence that once packed cultural punch as an expression of guilt over an unchecked libido, now is just a weak excuse for a cheesy one-liner. Meanwhile, the plot twists of the original novel are reduced to an interminable 40-minute coda whose storytelling is so obtuse as to be almost unfathomable.

Comments

[the fabulous steverino]

Interestingly, in terms of plotline and overall feel, Casino Royale (the movie) follows more closely the original Ian Fleming novel(of the same name) than any of the other Bond films I can think of...down to the long gambling sequences and the brutal torture of Bond's, um, manhood.

That having been said, Tom, I think you're reading way too much - politically - into the situation. What we're really faced with is a series that had become a parody of itself, and my guess is that the producers were hoping to reboot the whole thing - make it more realistic on one hand, while injecting the harder-edged tone that "today's kids" (whoever they are) expect. I thought it was a pretty good flick on its own terms...albeit way too long.

[Nich Starling]

I diasgree with you strongly about Casine Royale, not because I am British, but because it is a good film and far better than the tripe that was called "Die another Day", with silly invisible cars, silly martial arts style directing and no storyline at all.

Perhaps you and your readers would care to comment on my feature on my blog about why Americans wish people a happy holiday rather than a Happy Christmas ?

[Nich Starling]

Also, the Irony of comparing Casino Royale to a BBC programme is funnt in that "The Queen" was made for TV by the BBC, but released as a film instead.

Interesting blog though. keep it up.

[Tom W.]

Sure, but The Queen hit its marks brilliantly - whereas CR reached for something and came across like an overlong TV show (at least to me).

Die Another Day, yes - was as overblown as those silly Roger Moore-Jaws-Outer Space fiascos in the late 70s and early 80s. A return to a starker Bond was a great idea - unfortunately, the film drags intolerably, the plot is beyond recognition, and they play cards for 40 minutes. Couple of very cool action sequences though.

We say happy holiday so as not to offend those who celebrate other holidays at this time of year...though I often overstep the politically correct bounds myself. Sorry about that.

[blue girl]

I saw The Queen a few weeks ago. I loved it. Helen Mirren was so wonderful, wasn't she? I loved the scene where her truck gets stuck and she's sitting there waiting to be picked up and sees that deer. It's an obvious scene meant for you to love it, but I thought it was a special movie moment.

:)

The only weakness to me was the guy cast as Price Charles. Maybe it was just that he didn't look enough like him or something. I just thought he could've been cast better.

Haven't seen Casino Royale. Not really a big Bond fan. But, for some reason have interest in seeing this one. I'll wait for the DVD since it's so long though.

[Tom W.]

It's so long I'm still watching it...almost over....ok, now I can finally leave the theater.

I adore Helen Mirren, she was wonderful. Funnily enough, I agree on the Charles character - he looked more like his great uncle, the batty Duke of Windsor, and that kept throwing me off...

[b tween]

I don't see any issue with 40 minutes of cards. After all, celebrity poker tournaments fill the cable channels ad nauseum. I haven't seen it yet, but all indicators are in the right direction, and frankly, demanding storyline from Ian Fleming is, well, too demanding.

[Tom W.]

Drink plenty of coffee before-hand...

[Slappy]

"The blonde Bond doesn't work; nor does the back to the future pre-007 concept."

I agree. This blonde bimbo needs some killer midgets and villians with metal teeth and hats with razor sharp brims to cut your head off and laser beams that kill form outer space. This new Bond just doesn't fit in today's world like the Bond's of our better yesteryears. And at least Bond only pushed one brand of car (and it was British at leaast) instead of the multiude of brands today. Bond did it first and did it right. The followers just don't know when to stop. And who wants a professionally trained fighter and killer who looks like he could actually kick some ass? Preposterous I tell you. And its a good thing previous Bond movies never had false endings. When it appeared that a character was dead, he/she stayed dead. And the worst of it all... where is the cool Bond title like Octopussy?

Truth be told. I've suffered through enough Bond movies to know that I'd rather spend my time at the dentist or DMV. But the trailer for Casino Royale looked like it might actually be an honest to goodness fun action flick. The Bourne Identity killed off any version of Bond that might be recognizable by older fans. Good riddance.

[Tom W.]

Slappy, watch that trailer 50 times in a row and it will give you some idea of the monotony of this Bond.

The Bourne Identity - loved it. A 100X better movie than Casino Royale.

[mndean]

I just love the people who are saying "I want reality in my spy thriller". My god, don't they realize how utterly silly that sounds? Spy thrillers are outlandish and have been so from the first Bond film. Lose that and you have a different genre altogether.

[desertwind]

Any use of polonium 210?

[Elana]

I like Casino Royale. It is the only Bond film I've seen with any emotional weight. Not that I seek that in my Bond movies but I think the emotional weight is why I was so on the edge of my seat heart pounding etc.

Plus its awesome that "The Bond Girl" has a mind of her own and is smart.

And there's nothing wrong with a blond Bond who looks like he could actually hurt people. I mean I complain when the studios cast muscle-less women as super heros. Being able to kill with your bare hands is much easier if you hit the gym.

[Ralph]

I really liked this Bond film. The basic problem some people seem to have is simply this: it's not cheesy enough. You want reality? Go watch a documentary. I found this Bond to be much more believable than Roger Moore smirking in a dinner jacket. There aren't many gadgets or matrix style martial arts in this film, and there are no silly sex jokes. For me, the scene where he's poisoned at the poker table and barely survives, only to return with the quip "that last hand almost killed me" was just perfect.

[Alan]

I liked it more than any other Bond film since For Your Eyes Only. I'd been looking forward to Craig's Bond since seeing Layer Cake. I can't believe the fuss over his hair color. Moore's hair I guess while technically brown, at the end there with his gray he might have been as light as Craig.

The last 4 were average, and the only purist Bond element they had that Casino Royale didn't was a high quality 'silhouetted naked girls on trampolines' beginning credits scene.

I was disappointed at the choice of poker as the game, however I disagree that these scenes were long or boring.

[Tom W.]

Yeah I realize I'm swimming against the tide on the new Bond. Truth is, I probably would have enjoyed it if they'd cut 90 minutes. But as someone said above, Bourne Identity is the real deal...

[Ralph]

Also, the new Bond film is not for the kiddies. And maybe since Ive watched so many slow foreign films, my tolerance for long drawn-out drama is very high.

[Marc Hudson]

Why is everybody so bothered about the colour of his hair. Connery was almost bold and wearing a wig as was Moore. At least his hair is his own ! The film is a bit long and drags in places, some of the poker is wrong and it doesnt have the cheese of previous 007 but in its own right it was a good film.

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[Scott]

I love poker, but this was too much! Connery was the best.

[Best Casino Reviews]

I'm sorry but I disagree to what you have just explained.

[Atlantic City Gambling Guide]

Im with Scott, Connery trumps as far as Bond movies are concerned in my books. Casino royale may be visually stimulating as all the new bond movies mostly have been (cg era etc.) but other than that its really just brainbubblegum.

[GoldieLocks]

Good movie although Quantum feels more like a filler...