Memo to Mets: Trade the Wife

To: Omar Minaya, Fred Wilpon, Jeff Wilpon
From: This lifelong Mets fan
Re: Mrs. Benson

Gentlemen, I'd like to bring your attention to a rather annoying off-the-field spectacle that is spoiling the stellar reputation of the New York Mets franchise. OK, that's a bit sarcastic given the Cleon Jones episode, Seaver trade, Dave Kingman, the Gardenhire years, Straw, Doc, Coleman, The Bleach Saga, Isringhausen's "Jewboy" reference, Piazza equating Rush Limbaugh to George Washington and the Pope, etc. - but hey, I still buy the tickets fellas.

Anna Benson's particular, ah, talents may well have been unique in Pittsburgh, where husband Chris toiled for the second division Pirates, mixing a heavy fastball with promising breaking stuff. But like so many others who arrived on the Great White Way expected that next step in fame, young Anna has been severely disappointed - her, ah, work has garnered far less praise in Nueva York than her hurling hubby, who has been a decent, if unassuming, No. 4 type starter for the Mets. Remember when all the sportswriters drooled "wait till New York gets a look at Anna Benson?!" Well, we got a look. We yawned.

Kris Benson has now passed the up-and-coming stage of his career and he is what he is - moderately reliable, not a stud - which is to say, in Omar Minaya's eyes, tradebait for a pitcher with more upside or a second-baseman. His lovely spouse has not accepted that fact in her, ah, career as yet, hence the poison spewing from her well-polished lips as Omar tries to ship her and the big righty to Kansas City for a young soupbone out of the pen.

Having failed at the "young swinger/stripper wife looking for TV and video work" career path in New York - though she did manage to peddle an FHM spread - Mrs. Benson is now apparently aiming at a career as a younger, more amply-endowed, more willing to show it version of hate-spewing Anne Coulter. A few samples of her auditions (available at her, ah, personal Website), in this case attacking Michael Moore and apparently fishing for Bill O'Reilly's bookers:

I honestly have to tell you…I hate your fucking guts. Forget about how un-American you are, how politically retarded you are, or how fat you look while slobbering your political garbage all over everyone, mainly, I despise you for the fact that you make money off of influencing the young minds of America to be Bush-haters.

A fascinating diatribe, certainly worthy of Coulter-like status (possibly nude) and luckily there is more:

You are a pariah to our nation…a fat kid that got beat up by the jocks at school, and this has formulated your hatred of America. If I didn’t know any better, I would thing George W. himself went to school with you and kicked the shit out of your pie-hole everyday for being such a candy-ass. If you are so passionate about politics, use some of your blood-making money to make it a better place instead of making movies that only benefit your fat-ass fanny-pack. No one likes to see Hollywood try to engage our minds with their ridiculous and one-sided political rants during award ceremonies. Your “movies” are just a façade for your own political agenda, which, by the way, is fucking warped.

A brief pause, so you may catch your breath and wipe the tears or laughter from your eyes. Ready? Ok, here's another, ah, taste:

You are a selfish, pathetic excuse for an American, and you can take your big fat ass over to Iraq and get your pig head cut off and stuck on a pig pole. Then, you can have your equally as fat wife make a documentary about how loudly you squealed while terrorists were cutting through all the blubber and chins to get that 40 pound head off of you. I dare you to go to Iraq and diarrhea all over our soldiers; they would love to strip you naked in the streets and leave you so that the terrorists can pick you up and dispose of you the way terrorists do. If you believe that Iraq and Al-Queda were not together, go over there and see for yourself.

OK, that part wasn't so funny, it was hateful. [Though I am told by reliable sources that there is a market in the skin-and-hate-speech Website market for this - talk about the "hard right" - but I digress]. Here's her take on the Federal response to New Orleans, which may have you chuckling once again:

Thankfully, we are, in the least, lucky enough to have a humble President who admits that he was wrong in his decision making, and, as a result, is going full-force in his efforts to remedy the situation.

Yeah Anna, that's our President. I think your future career as a political analyst is assured. So Omar, Fred, Jeff some baseball advice - as you welcome the thoughtful slugger Carlos Delgado (who Anna, ah, slammed, even while threatening to sleep with the rest of the Mets) and fireballing closer Billy Wagner - please trade the Bensons. They never even made the B-list in this town.

I'm thinking Tampa (many, ah, clubs to increase the family revenue) or possibly Arlington, Texas - it's close to the ranch, so the Bensons can celebrate their shared American values with President and Mrs. Bush.

UPDATE: They traded the wife. The husband goes too.

Comments

[Kat]

I vote to send Kris to Toronto.

[Tom K]

So, you wanna trade the guy because of his wife's politics and bad taste? At what point does that instinct kick in: where the ERA goes above 3.50, or the W/L less than +2? Or would have felt the same way if he were pitching like Doc or Seaver in their prime?

[Betsy]

I thought Moore had been to Iraq to see the troops, but maybe I'm thinking of Al Franken.

[Nancy Dion]

There are no words to describe how disgusting this Benson woman is. What kind of celebrity is she aiming for? Yuk

[CD318]

She's just jealous because Moore is more famous than her (or hubby)and hasn't even had to shoot, ah, 'roids, or get any work, ah, done.

[JD]

Don't you dare send her down here to Florida. She's your problem now...

[flo mo t]

wow ! slut much ?? lol

[Henry Holland]

Did David Cone wank in the bullpen in front of the two women when he was a Met? Just to add to your list of shame, as it were, if he did.

[Klyde]

I'd hit it!

[Speed King]

Just what America needs - a meaner, crazier Ann Coulter.

[DUDACKATTACK!!!]

I'd still take Maureen Dowd over her.

[k.]

I'm a Mets fan. I hope this Pittsburgh slut-skank enlists--and her hubby too. When I was young, ballplayers (like Bud Harrelson or Wayne Garrett) at least took a weekend off during the season to play at National Guard. The Bensons are cowardly pussies--and he doesn't have the balls to win even though he gets tons of run support--the Chickenhawk!

[Ruminator]

Yikes! Maybe she should pull back on the testosterone treatments. ;-)

[ElPocho]

I just went to her link -- she's NOT that good looking and frankly her dullish style IMHO fits in more with a team like the Reds. She's just a boring trailer trash version of Nazi Frau Marge Schott -- maybe she should emulate ole Marge and start smoking so she can end the same way!

[Adso]

"I hope this Pittsburgh slut-skank enlists--and her hubby too."

I'm sorry but I just have to mention that neither Kris nor his nasty wife are from Pittsburgh. They're both from Georgia.

[Decker]

Benson would be the ace in the Reds' rotation. While his wife's politics fit perfectly in Cincinnati, they'd have to maintain residence in Butler County or Northern Kentucky. Cincinnati's elders won't allow strip clubs in city limits. Makes me glad I moved.

[Tom K]

Gotta love ElPocho:

We should disagree with, and hope she dies from cancer, and these decisions are somehow related to the observation that "she's not that good looking".

[Joe Vecchio]

I'm with DUDACKATTACK...people who are so supportive of Mr. Bush that they feel the need to attack anyone who is against him ought to put their money where their mouths are. If she likes the war so much, she should go and fight it.

[D. Toronto]

Why send your trash to Toronto? You can keep it.

[timothy]

We could use them for a minute in SF but then they have to go back.

[The Liberal Avenger]

I think we're overlooking her research skills. Note that she refers to Michael Moore's "40 pound head." If it were me writing that screed, I'd have no idea what a normal head weighs, let alone a fat guy's head - AND I'M A FAT GUY, TOO.

How do you determine the weight of a fat guy's head without cutting it off? Answer: you don't, unless you're ready to take your gloves off and conduct some real research.

This little firebrand is going places!

[The Liberal Avenger]

Note also that she placed a button on her site for FHM's top 100 most beautiful women in the world - but it isn't linked/clickable.

Is she worried that we'll find out that XiaXue (a "colored" person) is higher on the list than her? Does she want to assure that the angry wingnut geeks visiting her site only pull to racy pics of her?

[resident]

My favorite part of her site? "Charity Work" is one of the many inactive navigation links on the site. Note to hosebag - "Coming Soon" links are just plain lazy. If you haven't done the work, don't post the link.

I did like the story on owning a gun. That was pretty. I own one too. P'raps I need to brag about it some more. Sometimes I feel my peinis is entirely too small. That would probably account for you signing your post Anna "the cocked gun" Benson. That was funny. I think I picked up on the hint. Maybe not. I'm sure you've had several things cocked.

Nice work on revving up the skinheads, too. It's so difficult getting them motivated sometimes. Keep up the good work. I've been looking for the perfect spokesmodel for my "Beaver for Bush" idea. I think I've just hit paydirt!

[TC@LeatherPenguin]

Jeez, she's more Met than anyone since Nails or McGraw.

[TC@LeatherPenguin]

"Having failed at the "young swinger/stripper wife looking for TV and video work" career path in New York - though she did manage to peddle an FHM spread - Mrs. Benson is now apparently aiming at a career as a younger, more amply-endowed, more willing to show it version of hate-spewing Anne Coulter. "

That left me laughing harder than kicking Glenn Reyolds in the nuts....

[Ben Jones]

It's kind of funny she suspects that George Bush went to Moore's school and beat the shit out of him. As I remember high school, fat kid/male cheerleader fights usually went the other way.

[The Liberal Avenger]

Do you think teen-Bush put his pom-poms down before teen-Michael Moore punched him out?

Was he wearing his skirt?

[Chris]

I don't think mike al-moor punched anybody out. Peace loving lefties never fight.... unless its at a PEACE PROTEST. Losers

[Michael Moore]

You know, this Benson chick is right. I am a fat slob. I am an American-hating asshole. But I don't think bin Laden would saw my head off. After all, I am working for him in the United States, not against him. Why would he kill me?

Sorry, I have to go. I got barbecue sauce all over my keyboard. Fuck!

Michael Moore
Stuck in Denny's

[jurassicpork]

God, if that woman was any stupider, she'd be able to donate organs.

[Tom]

Michael Moore must be laughing his ass off when he reads crap like that. She probably doesn't rank in the Top 100 Women that he's turned down sex with.

[Ron the Neocon]

Great rank on the bloviating butterball.

Sounds as angry and hate-filled as Randi Rhoades--although she didn't threaten to shoot Moore...

[liberal]

You gotta watch out when really uneducated, intellectually un-gifted people get political. She might be a nice woman when she's not under republican political hypnosis, but she sounds like she'd like to chop Michael Moore's head off herself. Machete-weilding Nazis and Rwandans don't have the monopoly on bloodlust. This woman is a blood-thirsty, cannibal, zombie republican.

[Richie]

My dad is a huge mets fan, so i've seen that benson is one of there better pitchers (because they have no bullpen) and while some of his wife's rant is troubling, he shouldn't be traded for that or for his wife's photo shoots. BTW, "cutting through all the blubber and chins to get that 40 pound head off of you." is pretty funny.

[Gomez Munoz]

Personally I think Anna is awesome. I am tired of all the politically correct wimpy media whores who are vegetarian, anti-gun, PETA loving, Anti-American Tree Huggers. It is refreshing to actually have someone stand up for guns, tell the truth that PETA sucks, and who eats meat and wears furs and thinks Mickey Moore is a joke... So she poses in sexy poses..big deal..she sure ain't ugly so why not... Personally I don't know anything about her husband since in my opinion, watching baseball is about as exciting as watching paint dry....